Another year in the books...

So today is my 33rd Birthday!

.... Don't everyone jump at once now. It's cool... No big.

I guess, I'm going to use this post to break my life down as it were. Enjoy, or don't. This blog, I write to track for me.

Things I have learned about myself this year:

• I am much stronger than I thought
• That asking for help and accepting is not weakness
• That finding every moment I can to find happiness alone is time well spent
• I can fix things that I found daunting (Frozen Water Tank and Pipes)
• I truly enjoy woodworking
• Car seat Dancing while everyone is watching, is not wrong
• My individuality is wonderful and something to celebrate
• Make up is my obsession, yet I am comfortable being without
• Still not sure I can do Bleach blonde hair. 
• Music... speaks to my soul

Things I have learned about love:

• Any potential lover can look at me and tell me sweet things, but not many will take the time to show me sweet things
• My size, while it may an attract to a man - does not dictate who I am. 
• That most men that come at you 'Damn I love me a BBW' ... 90% of the time, they aren't seeking a serious relationship - mostly a fulfillment of some fantasy
• The best gifts - are homemade
• That it is Ok to go with how you feel in the moment without a future plan
• That it is more than ok to say 'No.' 
• That I can take care of me and trust that they are a grown adult who can handle themselves
• That the best experiences and connections START with the mental connection, and blossom in a Physical Connection
• That it is ok to be different and like different things, You never know WHAT you will discover with them

Things I have learned in Parenting:

• They are individuals
• They are wonderful, frustrating, Passionate, and curious
• It is my job to guide them while I have them
• They can cause more tears and fears and self doubt than a lover can
• They can also make you so proud and want to scream how AWESOME my children are
• That I have two compassionate children
• That it's also ok to seek help and try a different way to get your point across
• That they are just as fragile as I am in this whole situation, yet resilient. 
• Children are like the Japanese art of Kintsugi. Yes, they are going to break at some point, OUR jobs as parents, is to fill in the cracks and help put them together in the right way. If we use wonderful a powerful fillings of Gold (parables, lessons, compassion, love) these children will rise above the pain and brokenness, and become and inspiring work of art.

Things I have learned as a Friend:

• God found a way to give me the sisters I wasn't born with. 
• Fighting with them and coming back together means that ... Well no one else would take us! Not... means that no matter how much I feel hurt, I miss them more than my pride. 
• Best Friends mean you can be brutally honest about your feelings that you just can't with others
• Also - brutally honest about how your body is betraying you!
• While every friend has certain aspects that you are drawn too, there is no reason to look at my two besties and pick the one I love the most. Because they are the most unique and loving ladies I have ever known... and I couldn't see myself without them. 
• That you will not always agree with the decisions they make, but you can prepare if things go wrong. ... Never leave your Vodka at your friends house unmanned though!
• That new friends are awesome, and only add to your life
• That there is nothing better than a girl's night ... that doesn't have to leave the house but enjoy complete goofing off.
• That my life would be so incomplete with out them... I can do without lovers. My children will eventually leave my side to go make the world a better place... But I could never be without the support my friends, Best friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and casual ones provide. 

Exercise!... Good for the soul... Bad for my thighs...

Laws... So this evening, after emptying out the Freezer-that-was, as well as chasing coos, (cows) from the gate as we eviscerated the... freezers guts. I got very good at closing my own nose off and mouth breathing. I decided today is just the day I needed to start my own shenanigans...

This means, I did Giddy Up from Country Heat. It's not the newest, but a newer program from BeachBody. Country Line Dancing... Though I am sure if you looked at my window as you drove by, I probably resembled a drunken squirrel trying to climb a tree.

But I digress, I enjoy it, and feel the burn. My thighs are quivering, even from the dance Modifications (You know, the different way of doing things for people who are like me and I don't move like a rubber band... more like... a rusty tin man).

It's not that it's hard, it isn't. It's not that it isn't fun, otherwise I would NOT have owned the Drunken Squirrel resemblance. It's that it makes you move, simply, but steadily. The Steady pace is key - It doesn't wind you as bad, and it makes it easier to adapt to what you need to do.

Fun part? I shook my booty, a lot... more than I should have probably. My child walked in my room, watched and then shrunk off in shame at her Momma shaking her booty.

So not only did I win by Exercising... I won by embarrassing my daughter. Ha!

Goal Power!

I have set a goal.

That being said.... It is amazing the mindset you develop when you have settled yourself to a goal and embraced it.

... I will fully admit to being a crabby, zombie like mom. You make the supper, you get them cleaned up, you do the homework. Cycle after bloody cycle.

With the goal in mind and seeing the possibilities - I feel more alert and awake. I have everything I measure against meeting this goal. You wouldn't think that setting a goal and working to achieve it would make such a difference... But then why wouldn't it?

Setting Goals gives you focus and helps you set a standard for what you want to achieve.

Example -- Cleaning house? The FlyLady System is such a popular and working cleaning system for people who just... We don't clean. Have no idea what the 'f' that porous square is, shouldn't it be on TV making some annoying Giggle?

But the reason it works so well? Every step is a little goal. You achieve something and feel so much better because your small goals, small ladder steps if you would are getting you to the top so you can see so much better.

Exercise is the same thing, dieting is the same thing. the 21 Day Fix - it's through Beachbody, and right now they are having a sale on the whole system for $140.00, does the same thing. You set goals on the canisters of food, and it is so often more than you really can eat. I feel so much better when I follow this, and that is my goal now. Getting of this large tukus of mine and making this happen.

Small steps baby.... Small goals that stack up to make an awesome goal met. I think the top of this mountain is gonna look great when I get there.

For further information on goal setting and how to make it successful: http://thesuccessninja.com/setting-goals/ 

Super Moon = a realization for Mommy Time...

So this was a Super Moon kind of day. I have been tired and cranky, and just working through trying to get the day done. I posted on my personal Facebook about how I just broke down and yelled at my kids "Please pick your crap up and quit playing 'Squirrel!'".

Here's my frustration. I love my children. I would so be super mom, or a female Al Capone if you mes with my kids. I am a momma bear. my son is the love of my life. But at the same time, I have spent all day focusing on an Excel spreadsheet hurrying to complete it accurately but speedily. I came home, and found out that I ruined the pork chops in the crock pot, and they just weren't right and he was not eating them. ... crying was gonna happen soon.

Then I go out to see the Super Moon, and it was clouding and beginning to rain.

Now then, Boy-o talks. He talks all the time. He narrates everything he does, what he is thinking about doing, and wants constant affirmations that I like what he is doing. Which I give him whole-heartedly. I answer all the random questions "How long to flies live? What's it like underwater? What would happen if I mixed soap and the scrubby stuff?" I answer things about his Dad and I. I answer things positively about his father, so that it's a good bond that I have not singed.

But, after working all that time, I would love to be able to come home after a hard day, sit on the couch, and zone out. But that is not the life of a single mom. It's me and these two 24/7. All the homework, the scrapes, the 'do the chores', the hugs, the kisses, the goofiness, the tears, the fears.

But I love them, and I realize that someday I will miss all of this. It isn't easy, I knew it wasn't gonna be easy. But it's worth every moment.

... Because between verbally asking him multiplication tables and even some quiz facts for sis that she shares on our drive in the morning when we start out together.... I get this wonderful contest where the kids try to up me on who loves who more. Often - I drag out a 90's saying of 'All that and a bag of chips' which produces giggles. We sing and for 5 minutes, we try to start our days out the best we can. As a loving family, who while odd... is working our best to be the best we can be.

Never said we were perfect - Never said that was a goal. But happy and productive.... those are goals I shoot for with my kiddos.

A cloudy Super Moon taken this evening. 

The Cat Army has Arrived

Yesterday, we moved in the outside cats as it was getting colder. The younger kittens were a little shyer about human interaction, but they have warmed up. Apparently Dirty Harry has taken a liking to me, and licks me incessantly.

I also have the best boy. Rachet (I also refer to him as Racheteen) is my onery and very demanding buddy. God love him. Ha ha ha! He has kept me up yesterday night and then decided that typing this blog is not what he had in mind once the kids went to bed. He has explored my lamp, and is now investigating my make-up mirror.

On other news, I screwed up with dieting this weekend. Its' been a long weekend and I am just glad to be making a forward movement. I did drink a lot of tea this weekend. I need to start keeping more Healthy snacks for my munchies when I am home. That seems to be my weak spot. I'm home and I get in a mental routine of I'm gonna munch and crunch my way through all this stuff.

All I know, emotionally it was a trying weekend. I have been contemplating a lot of internal decisions and feelings on several matters. Lots on the brain plate as it were.

I also got my living room reclaimed so I can do my workouts in there. Props to me!

Living Passionately is hard...

Strange part of living passionately, is sometimes the engine runs out of steam. I've been divorced a year and a half now, and my ex is engaged and already a father to another child. I am still struggling with my children. But I love them and could not do without them.

But I lost my steam, I lost my passionate reasoning. And it's hard. Passion is something I want to be at the core, passion for my friends and family. Passion in caring for my community. But my passion, over the last year and a half, fizzled.

You look on blogs all the time, or simply on your Facebook, and it reminds every mother out there to take care of herself so she has something to give. For awhile I thought that was something only those who had another half could do.

...Then I had an epiphany.... 

Passion, is much like an Amish Friendship Loaf starter. You start it, you feed it, and then, you have to bake with it. It feeds your soul, in yummy carbohydrate heaven. But there is a small problem with it, after you have satisfied your soul, it's still growing. So now, you have all these soul carb loaves, and no chink to stuff them in with your own soul. So what do you do? .... You spread your soul food to others and help inspire them to begin. Once they taste it for awhile, they may ask you how you make it. .... You'd give them a starter and the process begins all over again.

My starter had died. Slowly though, my best friend came along and kept sharing her soul food with me. Now, I've started producing my own soul food again. Only Jamie did not share the very butt widening experience of Amish Friendship Loaf - She shared BeachBody. PiYo, to be specific.

It has been a great experience. I feel motivated for the first time in a long time to do more with my life than just struggle to raise the two kidlets that I was blessed with. I'm even writing again folks, and trust me when I say this is a wonderful thing I never thought I'd be doing.

Life Changes... But you grow through it.

So, since the last post on this blog, I have went through a bit of a transition.

My husband and I separated on Feb 1st 2015, and then we were divorced on April 28th, 2015. Eh... such is life.

Currently the kids and I have managed to keep our spirits up and met someone who I think will be around for awhile.

Lots of changes, some were for the best, others, well.... heartbreaks make you realized how precious life is.

I'm going to try to post updates here again, I'm so sloppy about it. Got to keep it up!

Lazy Sunday...

         This sunday, we've enjoyed a gluttony day of carbs. Bad for my diet, but good for the soul.

         We had Star shaped eggs baked by my husband for breakfast. Then for lunch, we had Pumpkin Pie Pancakes, and finally for dinner my favorite item of the day homemade tortillas. These were fun because it was a family affair, well sans daughter who was cleaning her room. All of this was yummy!

          Speaking of my wonderful Daughter, her glasses came in, so now she's all kinds of stylin' and I can see! I'm impressed, she chose these herself. She has great taste for an 8 y/o... Of course then she gets on Zinni Optical and picks only the ones with rhinestones. What can I say? She's a girly girl.

          Of course while I write this, I am ground zero for an epic battle of wills for my dogs, Posie, Pistol, and Blackie. Three times now, I've almost been shoved off my bed. At least they should sleep well tonight... right? Y'all have a good week!

Believe it or not - the brown dog is named Blackie, the dog with the white head is Posie, and the Black lab mix underneath is Ms. Pistola.

Time to kick it in the rear...

Because life is apparently getting out of hand...

I haven't updated my blog in quite some time. But honestly, We've been pretty busy. Right now I have several goals, and I'm just... going to list it out and be honest. 

Goal One:

Loose the weight... To be accomplished by eating healthier and exercising. But I also need to control my emotional eating. Here's where you come in, I'm going to write this out. You know, kind of like the song, "Shake It Off"... but no shaking involved. You can just read this or just let it be. You don't even have to comment. Because I'm going to do this... for me.

Goal Two:

Get my health back on track... Right now - My health is all kinds of screwed up. My blood pressure is under control, and so is my blood sugars. However, at this moment I've got to go see the ENT and a Cardiologist for chest pain that may simply be involved with stress. But I don't know, so far the tests have been negative. 

Goal Three:

Complete my home goals... I have had several goals throughout the years, and I've yet to complete one. So I'm going list them out here. First is to establish my garden to grow healthy vegetables and various fruits to help accomplish the first goal. I also have it set in mind to restart my chicken coop with Standard Cochins. 

Three goals seems sufficient with everything going on. While goals one and two may be in the same category, they are two different items. Now that I'm back in School Full Time, I have to be careful what I set myself up for. 

What a beautiful Day!

This was a view out my bedroom window one morning before work. The Little Black Cochin is our little Rooster, Roody Doo. The Lavender Orpington is our rooster, Rex. Other than that there is Goldie, the Cochin, and two as of yet unnamed Orpingtion hens.

It's been busy around here as we are settling into more out door activities and cleaning up our array of items about the house. With our horses gone, this spring is a bit different. Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I'm also going to introduce our new memeber of the family - Pistol. She's a Black Lab/Golden Retriever Mix, all personality and cracks me up. She insists on sleeping between my husband and I, and is rather possessive of me.

Flat Kidlets: Kuha Cousins show us their beliefs and a ceremony... and lets us help with BBQ!

Per Dawn:

Flat Tori helped ayress set up the left side of our Esbat altar. The Esbat today was to celebrate another full moon has cycled and to give offering and blessings. Usually there would have been a silver pillar candle representing our Goddess Ashera on this side but opps silly me i ran out. Tori was very understanding though

Helping to set up!

 Ian helped Amy set up the right side of our Esbat altar. The full moon ritual of celebratibg, blessings and offerings for us this month. He was also very understanding that i ran out of the gold pillar candle representing our God on this side.

Ian helping to set up the ceremony.

They learned how we offer different kinds of food as thanks for what we have been given. They also saw how we do a milk and hunny blessing for our garden the pore the milk and hunny over our yard as a blessing. They learned today though we share some similarities with wiccans we are simply pagan because we incorporate religious beliefs and practices from religions pre wicca. They where such curious lil troopers.

The Ceremony Table is complete!

Flat kids enjoyed a amazing memorial day bbq. Then all the kids learned how grateful we are to the heros who help give us safety and freedom. This includes the many friends we lost in Iraq and Afghanistan. Count your blessings kiddos. They are worth it.

 

BBQ and learning more about Memorial Day!

Flat Kidlets: Aunt Silla in the Garden!

From Aunt Silla: Today my flat people and I picked strawberries and mads strawberry preserves and soberly. We also planted a pineapple and planted sweet potatoes.

Picking Strawberries!

Our haul!

Making Preserves!

A trip to the Hardware Store!

Planting a Pineapple! Yum!

Flat People: The Mulero's

Some of Momma's friends took us to Puerto Rico!

From Mrs. Sarah - "Bienvenidos flat niños a Puerto Rico!"

Puerto Rico!!

Flat Kidlets - Kuha Cousins!

We also are with our cousins: Amy, Mia, Ayress, and Sierra

Per Dawn: "The girls ( amy , mia , ayress , and sierra) decided to show their cousins Ian and Tori some of the pretty flowers in the garden today. So many are blooming and growing beautifully in rainy Oregon."

Here we are with their lilies!

Per Dawn: "The Rhododendron grows every where here. I hope they liked all the pretty colors."

The Rhododendrons!

 We loved the flowers! Thank you for showing us! We're excited to see more!

Flat Kiddlets - A week with Aunt Silla!

The Flat Kidlets started their week helping Aunt Silla out on Hall Duty at the school she works for.

Helping Aunt Silla with Hall Duty

The next day, they helped her students with their lunches and visited the School's Bird Museum!

Helping the students out with eating lunch!

Visiting the Bird Museum

The next day, they helped her on the farm checking fences and checking on the cows, they even got stuck in the dirt helping her plant some things!

We got stuck in the mud when we were planting!

Looking at fences, we got to see the cows!

From Aunt Silla: "Today my little flat people and I worked hard in the garden, we picked asparagus, and rhubarb. Then Canned it they also visited with my grandma while I mowed the yard."

Flat Tori & Ian with the Asparagus

Flat Tori & Ian in the Rhubarb Patch

Canned Goodness!

Keeping Grandma company!

 Until Next Time!

Flat Kidlets: Aunt Silla 1

Flat Tori & Ian have arrived at Aunt Silla's! She took a picture of them waiting on her couch while she finished making supper!

Flat Kidlets!

You know it's summer time now. Tonight we have our last event for Tori's Dance class, and then - POOF - ... It's instant Summer Goodness.

Granted - my kids are having to do overtime this summer working on school work to beef up their stuff. They'll have swim lessons, but they wanted something else.

.... The Flat Stanley Project ....

A friend of mine, Amanda Mack over at The Grateful Stead did this project with her kiddos. So now we are going to do it just for the fun of it.

I decided to do it a bit differently, because I really wanted them to have a real experience of that's me! So we actually did photographs of them, and I Photoshopped the background out. Then we printed off multiple copies and cut them out, laminated them, and cut them out again.

We have our own little letter that explains it, and encourages people to keep them. This way, there is multiple things going, and the kids should always have something to see. I'll post entries from our friends when we start getting them back here!

So thanks for listening! Happy Summer time!

I remember...

Today I went to church, and it was wonderful. The choir had an awesome program, and then the pastor came up to speak. And he requested that the congregation sing 'The Old Rugged Cross'.

My grandma loves that song, and I can remember curling up and listening to her sing it. She'd sing it while she was painting, and I just.. Wow.

Gran can't really sing anymore, and she's so much older and of course has her moments. But I miss being that little girl who curled up and listened to Grandma sing the old hymns. It just struck me today. That's all.

Have a happy Easter week, y'all!

Old Post - Dec 3, 2006

This post is from my old journal (which I still use on occasion)... It amused me. I was pregnant with Ian when I wrote this... keep in mind, Tori and Ian were BOTH born in 2006. So I'd went through this for almost literally two years... Enjoy the 3rd trimester Pregnancy Rant:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alright, I’m just so totally sick of the phrase “I know how you feel”. My husband is constantly saying this to me… CONSTANTLY. I find it not only rude and insulting, but dammit it isn’t true!

Oh wow, your finger is swollen because you were an idiot and decided not to untie and retie your shoes when you put them on. And he wonders why the backs of them wear out so quickly. I don’t think that really compares with my entire BODY being nothing more than some type of water hour glass where the swelling is either in my legs and feet or in my face and hands.

You Itch. Yes, I itch, but the difference is, actually using lotion DOESN”T HELP ME. It would you, but not me. I feel like I have the hives all the time.

Your Back hurts. Yes, my back hurts. Ya know why? Because I can’t hardly move. Because I’m wearing a 30 pound weight on my front. Because I have no abdominal muscles to help support this extra weight. Oh, and because it’s throwing my spine out of whack, I have a bunch of pinched nerves. Heck, If I sit down wrong my entire spine and whatever is around it pulses painfully with each heartbeat.

What hurts that he doesn’t have? He’s not getting the literal crap kicked out of him daily. He isn’t loosing lung capacity, which on top of a viral URI, makes it VERY difficult for me to breathe. MY heart races half the time. I get chest pain galore thanks to kiddo compressing everything. My hips hurt to move them, My knees hurt, my ankles hurt. I can’t sit without putting my feet up for more than 2 hours. I can’t even stand for 40 minutes. Otherwise my feet swell up like jet puff marshmallows. I put my feet up and it feels like I’m contracting hard both in my back and belly. But they are kind of regular, but not 4 minutes apart. MY boobs hurt horridly. I hate waking up and seeing wet spots on the bed because of laying on my chest kind of.

I’m just so sick of that damned phrase, “I know how you feel”. You can never know how I feel. There is no way you will ever understand this. Do NOT patronize me with this stupid phrase. I’ve tolerated it for almost 24 months. I’m so sick of it, I can’t take that damned phrase one more time. Not from him or any other male in existence. I’ve already made this a known fact today. Why?

I was sighing and growling that my wedding ring no longer fits… I’m going to have to soap it to get it off today. I didn’t even complain about it, I simply turned the thing because it hurt (yeah, it feels like it’s close to cutting off circulation, it hurts) and went “Geez…” then I heard that phrase. GAH!

I think I’m done ranting. I think. I just… I can’t take that phrase. Almost 2 years of it is enough.

Twenty-Eight Years Later...

We all go through stages in our lives. And it's hard to believe that I've almost been around three decades. Honestly, two years shy of 30, and a lot more learning to go.

It's amazing to think that I began as a small baby, albeit opinionated but still just a baby. From there, I have managed to accomplish the task of speaking. Something I'm sure some people wish I would unlearn.

And, I can proudly say that after 28 years, I can ALMOST walk without tripping over that stone that disappeared.

Best thing I've learned? I've learned how to love outside of myself, and be happy in the happiness of the ones who mean the most to me. I split my heart three ways, and they all walk and talk outside of me. They talk back, and call me names. But I never feel as whole unless I'm in a big family group hug. It's complete, all the pieces of my heart are back again.... then they squirm and wiggle and giggle and run away.

Second best thing... I can cook and feed others, and myself. I've fed myself a little too well, that goes without saying, but I love to cook. I love to share something that I know will nourish someone, and if it happens to have a little soul food included, even better.

I'm proud of my age, and will continue to be proud of my aging self. I feel that to not be proud that I have managed to continue to learn and survive every year would be an insult to my various life teachers (children included), and to those who have not be so fortunate to make another year.